Don't Eat That!

Before diving into the politics of anus burgers, I'd like to call your attention to the Canadian maple leaf on the McDonald's arch. We all know they spoke French in Canada until George W. made it illegal. But certian phrases still translate. They can't pull the wool over our eyes with this one. Just another marketing gimmick aimed at impressionable young children to make them think that this is what grown-ups do in their spare time.

They think, "Hey, I've had a tough day at work, think I'll go to Burger King, grab a nice juicy anus, then head home to see the wife and kids," right? Wrong.

Don't have kids. 'Cause eventually they'll go to Canada and get ideas that just don't fit in our society. Boycott the a*** burger. Write your congressperson ASAP asking them to vote for HR 1452 to restrict the cultivation of organic, free-range, grain-fed anus burgers to Haiti. Keep that filth in Central America.



Recommended alternative: Boca burgers! Which is Swahili for "mouth burgers." The opposite end of anus burgers.

It doesn't take a psychologist to tell that there's something unsettling about this suggestive material and the way we spread it all over our meat (lunch meat, that is). Ever check the ingredients on a jar of Hellmann's? I did: Oil, egg whites, hate, and vinegar. If you let a handful of it sit on the counter for a while it'll separate and turn a suspicious shade of orange. That's the color of loathing, or oxidation, probably both.


Since this tries to be a socially conscious blog, we're concerned with public health and well being. What with Court TV, Guiding Light, and Regis & Kelly, we consume enough hatred without needing to supplement it with Satan seed. Studies have shown that it contributes to loss of body hair.

Recommended alternative: Dijon Mustard! Yellow is the color of love!

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I don't know where to begin. This is positively horrifying! So much death and fat mingling, rotting inside rot inside rot; an animal shoved up another animal shoved up yet another animal. It's necrophilic, full-body rape to the third power. You should serve time in the hole for even considering this monstrosity.

Seeing as how this was obviously inspired by those Russian doll sets, I'd like to add Russian dolls to our list of things not to eat.

Recommended alternative: Stuffed tomatoes ...if you absolutely have to stuff something.

Ranch dressing -- enough! A third of the planet must be covered in ranch dressing by now, especially that not-so-Hidden Valley stuff (aisle 5, third row up, Kroger Grocery Store #422, Blacksburg, Virginia, 24061).

Anglo-Europeans have been putting this goop on everything from iceberg lettuce, to pizza, to the internet, for as long as Scotsmen have prodded sheep with sticks. Time for a coup. Please don't eat ranch dressing. Let's let this creamy catastrophy die. Let the edges of the bottle opening become crusty, and let's move on to something promising!

Recommended alternative: Mayonnaise! Real Aryans do mayonnaise.

Recommended alternative: Sunflower Seeds! Yay! Buy them shelled so you don't have to chew through the baby rat teeth. They haven't ossified yet, but they stick to your molars like you wouldn't believe.